Collection of Lame Jokes

[Borg]

The Composinator.

 

[Lluis Olle]

An icelander guy arrives home, and speaks loudly to his wife:

- I' m really pissed! The speech therapyst says I don't pronunce correctly the word "ridge".

- Calm down dear... could you say that word again?

- Ridge, ridge, ridge...

- Don't mind, you pronunciation is perfect.

- Yes, that's what I think. Is really hot here, could you bring me a cold beer from the ridge?

 

[Lluis Olle]

A local man is calmly leaning against a fence in the countryside, when a city tourist approaches him and asks:

-What a big flock of sheeps you have here! Do they eat a lot of grass?

The local farmer answers:

-Which ones, the white or the black ones?

-The white ones.

-The white sheeps eat, more or less, 10 kilograms of grass every day.

-And the black ones?

-The black ones too! About 10 Kilograms. That 's it.

-And tell me, how much wool do they produce in a year?

-Which of them, the white or the black ones?

-The white ones, for example.

-Those produce 5 kilograms of wool per year.

-And the black ones?

-The black ones produce the same amount.

-How interesting! And tell me, at what price your sheep meat sells for?

-For which ones, the white or the black ones?

-Black ones!

-Meat sells for about 10 euros per gross kilogram.

-And the white ones?

-The white ones too, the same price.

The tourist is a little perplexed, and finally exclaims:

-Every time I ask you something, you tell me to distinguish between white and black sheeps, but it seems that your answer is always the same, no matter the color. How is that?

-Simple, the white ones are mine.

-And the black ones?

-The black ones... too! All sheeps are mine.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[jack action]

 

[DennisN]

Oh, gosh, what a funny t-shirt. I think I'm going to get one... I'll think about it.

Source: here

 

[Ibix]

Oh, gosh, what a funny t-shirt. I think I'm going to get one... I'll think about it.

View attachment 344987

Source: here

A friend claimed to have won an award for procrastination. When challenged to prove it he said he couldn't because he'd never got round to collecting it.

 

[DrGreg]

International Society of Procrastinators

I was going to join as a member, but I never got round to it.

I'll probably join some time next month.

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

Why did the student bring a ladder to graduation?

So he could graduate at the top of his class.

 

[gmax137]

I forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.

I’M LIVID.

 

[WWGD]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[rayansmith]

Q. What do you call fake spaghetti?
A. An impasta.
Q. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
A. It was two-tired.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[berkeman]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 344550

Better than worms in the brain.

 

[jtbell]

A landlord showing apartments to a prospective tenant is getting frustrated:

"Come now, Mr. Shakespeare, please make up your mind! Which one do you want? 2B or not 2B, that is the question!"

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[DrGreg]

A landlord showing apartments to a prospective tenant is getting frustrated:

"Come now, Mr. Shakespeare, please make up your mind! Which one do you want? 2B or not 2B, that is the question!"

Something similar happened in a pencil shop.

Spoiler: I don't get it

In Europe, at least, "2B" is a grade of pencil.

 

[jtbell]

Yeah, when I did a Google search for images (cartoons or memes), all the hits were related to pencils. We have #2 pencils here, too.

When I first moved here, 39 years ago, I lived in a college-owned apartment complex, in apartment 2B. While I was living there, I saw a cartoon showing the situation that I described, and taped it on my front door.

Then I hooked up with my wife-to-be, who lived two doors away in apartment 2D. We got married, bought a house, and moved there. We're still there.

I've occasionally tried to find a cartoon like the one that I had on my apartment door, but with no luck.