Collection of Lame Jokes

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler: Answer

Well, it's not 6 because my basement is still dark.

 

[nsaspook]

View attachment 345198

"Hello Darkness my Old Friend, I stood up too fast Again."

 

[fresh_42]

"Hello Darkness my Old Friend, I stood up too fast Again."

...
because a pain softly creeping
left its ouch while I was sleeping
and the pains that were planted in my back
will come back
within the sound of moving.

 

[Mayhem]

A scientist and an accountant schedule a meeting for 8 o' clock. The accountant shows up the next day at 8:00 AM and waits a few minutes, wondering where the scientist is. At 8:22 AM, the scientist shows up and acts like nothing is up. The meeting proceeds, and they schedule a new meeting the same time next week. Again, the accountant shows up at 8:00 AM, and waits around until 8:16 before the scientist shows up. He figures that maybe it's just a coincidence and let's it slide. They have the meeting and schedule another one the same time next week. This time, the accountant overslept but manages to arrive at the office building at exactly 8:25 AM. He thinks to himself, "well he is probably also a little late as well". The accountant goes through the building and finds the meeting room, which takes a few minutes and it is now 8:30 AM. The scientist, irate and frustrated goes: "Where were you!? You're an hour late!"

 

[DennisN]

 

[jtbell]

Local elections are coming up in a few weeks here.

Uh-oh... next thing you know, they'll take over the whole county... then the whole state... then...

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

Friendly tip:

When making a sex tape, always play Disney music in the background.

That way if it gets leaked online, Disney lawyers will have them all taken down.

You're welcome.

 

[jack action]

 

[WWGD]

For old time Baseball fans. The Wall Street historical team:
Ernie Banks, Barry Bonds, Don Money and David Cash.

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 345507​

I'm too lazy to look for a pic of Descartes before de horse.

 

[fresh_42]

I knew it! Those cats are not what they pretend to be!

 

[collinsmark]

(Source: https://explosm.net/comics/killing-time#comic)

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jack action]

An old lady treats herself to a night's stay in a luxurious hotel. When it's time to pay, the employee at the counter hands her over a $250 bill.

She then asks the employee why it is so expensive. She explains to him that she agrees that it's a nice hotel, but that frankly it wasn't worth $250 for just one night, plus she didn't even have breakfast.

The employee replied that $250 was the standard price, that breakfast was included, and that she could have had it.

She then asks to speak to the director. He arrives at reception and, already informed by the employee, announces:

- “Madam, this hotel has an Olympic-sized swimming pool and a fully equipped conference center, this is part of our standard.”

- “But I didn’t use them”, she said.

- “Maybe, but it was there and you could have used them.”

He goes on to explain that the hotel also has a very famous show every evening and that she could have attended it.

- "But I didn’t go to the show”, she insists.

After each service that the hotel manager details, she replies that she did not take advantage of it. But the director always has the answer to everything. After a while, she finally decides and writes a check for ... $50, which she hands to the director.

The latter, surprised when he saw the check, said to her:

- “But ma’am, your check is only for $50!”

- “That’s true, but I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.”

- “But ma’am, I didn’t sleep with you!” exclaims the director.

- “Ah! It’s a shame, I was there, and you could have taken advantage of it!”

 

[dextercioby]

 

[davenn]

Friendly tip:

When making a sex tape, always play Disney music in the background.

That way if it gets leaked online, Disney lawyers will have them all taken down.

You're welcome.

and a variation on that is ...
if visiting a "girl of the night", video the session, then it's porn, not prostxxx, then it's legal

you are welcome

 

[jack action]

Some people are like slinkies.

Not really good for much, but brings a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

 

[jack action]

 

[jack action]

 

[Borg]

Starting to wonder about the search history of @jack action.

 

[jack action]

Starting to wonder about the search history of @jack action.

Always on the safe side, private browsing only.

 

[davenn]

16 Commandments for your senior years.

1 - Talk to yourself, because there are times you need expert advice.
2 - Consider "In Style" to be the clothes that still fit.
3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop pi$$ing you off.
4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."
6 - You have days when your life is just a tent away from a circus.
7 - These days, "on time" is when you get there.
8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.
9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
10 - Lately, You've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why you're there.
12 - When you were a child, you thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.
13 - Some days you have no idea what you're doing out of bed.
14 - You thought growing old would take longer.
15 - Ageing sure has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
16 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

 

[Gifovaco]

Lamest joke you know ...

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
made a spectacle of himself...

Boss, can't come in today, voices in my head told me where my previous boss is.....

Well, you wanted bad jokes....

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Gifovaco]

View attachment 345678

Cool Clint(Eastwood) moment....

 

[Borg]

What do you call the stuff that's swept up in a citrus factory?

Spoiler

Fruit of the broom.

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Gifovaco]

What do you call the stuff that's swept up in a citrus factory?

Spoiler

Fruit of the broom.

'Floor Play' I dunno....lol

 

[Gifovaco]

'Floor Play' I dunno....lol

Sweet and Sour... Ya know it's .....♫a long, long road♫

 

[nuuskur]

"Hello Darkness my Old Friend, I stood up too fast Again."

Too young to relate