REAL girl trouble i feel horrible

[Math Is Hard]

Yes, the situation was similar for me. He wanted to get married and settle down, and I was just about to start looking for post-docs, knowing I had years of moving from state to state ahead of me. I started to seriously consider alternative careers that would allow me to stay near him, and he responded with the greatest act of love anyone has ever shown me...he let me go because he knew I would never be as happy settling for a different career, and didn't want to hold me back from my dreams. We're still great friends too. (He's also the only guy I ever dated that my parents liked...they only met him a few times, but absolutely adored him.)

That's got to be tough. I always thought scientists would just settle down at the school where they graduated from, but that seems not to be the case. It sounds like a pretty nomadic life with a lot of personal sacrifice.

Just don't get too comfortable in them hills, or one of them mountain men's going to come declarin' for ya!

 

[Moonbear]

Just don't get too comfortable in them hills, or one of them mountain men's going to come declarin' for ya!

That'll probably happen the day I get a job offer somewhere else.

It is a nomadic life, and I loved it when I was younger. I wanted to move around and live in different parts of the country and meet lots of different people. But, eventually it wears thin.

 

[Astronuc]

Yes, the situation was similar for me. He wanted to get married and settle down, and I was just about to start looking for post-docs, knowing I had years of moving from state to state ahead of me. I started to seriously consider alternative careers that would allow me to stay near him, and he responded with the greatest act of love anyone has ever shown me...he let me go because he knew I would never be as happy settling for a different career, and didn't want to hold me back from my dreams. We're still great friends too. (He's also the only guy I ever dated that my parents liked...they only met him a few times, but absolutely adored him.)

Did he marry someone else? I seem to remember this story from the past.

If not, any chance you guys could get together down the road?

 

[Zantra]

ahh to be young again...

RB you're making this way harder on yourself than it needs to be. Relationships only get more complicated the older you get. You're way ahead of the curve on complicated, so I can only imagine you in 10 years

You need to stop guessing and get the answers you really need. They may not be the answers you want to hear, but at least you'll know.

Get word to her/email her that you want to have a serious talk with her. If she says she's too busy/not ready, respect that as she may just be going through some things personal/school, etc, and let her set the timetable. And if she agrees to meet with you, I'm sure you'll get your answers. Level with her, and demand answers. She's acting strange and you deserve an answer as to why. If she still won't level, then you need to move on, because it will lead no where. You're too young to have a serious relationship anyways. Get out htere and meet people. College will change your outlook on life anyhow, so don't tie yourself down needlessly at such a young age. Be free, the chains will come soon enough.

 

[Lisa!]

Jeez, I must sound spaced out and babbling. I guess it's shock from the recent news that Lisa! and I are married in her mind. She never even PM'ed me!

Sorry I was too busy to let you know about our marriage!
Eh, I guess you know why I was busy...

 

[Astronuc]

Relationships only get more complicated the older you get.

Actually, I found that relationships get easier as one gets older, but then I've been with the same woman for 25.5 years, and officially married for 24 years, although I consider us married for 25.

 

[Zantra]

Actually, I found that relationships get easier as one gets older, but then I've been with the same woman for 25.5 years, and officially married for 24 years, although I consider us married for 25.

Ok caveat- I meant in the context of finding a mate.. once you've got one, it's a different story.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Ok caveat- I meant in the context of finding a mate.. once you've got one, it's a different story.

Technically.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Sorry I was too busy to let you know about our marriage!
Eh, I guess you know why I was busy...

It's really awkward finding out about it this way. Be sure to PM me about the mental divorce before announcing it on the open forum.

 

[Moonbear]

Did he marry someone else? I seem to remember this story from the past.

Yes, he did. I guess I've told the story a few times.

 

[Mk]

when we got off the boat

wtf!?!? You were on a boat after some kind of "pre-prom" party?? You must be a freakin rich Canadian. Well, you got to be I guess to have the cooks cuit and glue the bacon together into circles!

I must be seeing the wrong thing! She didn't dance with you or get a picture taken with you, and she just sat alone?? How is that a "fight?" Before I read the comments I thought she was going to break up with you!

Oh well, fare thee well. Live long and prosper, what's that adage? Eat, drink, and make love to women?

 

[zoobyshoe]

maybe my prom made her realize that I won't be here in september? maybe she doesn't realize that I would give anything not to end when I leave.

Hmmm. If you mentioned that you were leaving her before I didn't notice it. This is, indeed, another red flag item for what could be bothering her. At least it resonates with what I'm like: I get sour, distant, and uncooperative when I realize I'm getting emotionally invested in someone who's going to be gone soon. I might even do something to push them away. She may well have viewed prom as a celebration for nothing: the relationship was being sundered in September.

Have you tried getting one of your friends to fish for information about how she feels from one of her friends?

 

[rocketboy]

Hmmm. If you mentioned that you were leaving her before I didn't notice it. This is, indeed, another red flag item for what could be bothering her. At least it resonates with what I'm like: I get sour, distant, and uncooperative when I realize I'm getting emotionally invested in someone who's going to be gone soon. I might even do something to push them away. She may well have viewed prom as a celebration for nothing: the relationship was being sundered in September.

Have you tried getting one of your friends to fish for information about how she feels from one of her friends?

I'm not necessarily leaving her in september, I'm leaving Ottawa in Sept. to go to university in Toronto.

Ya, I have 2 friends that are also friends with her and go to her school. I haven't been able to talk to them yet.

wtf!?!? You were on a boat after some kind of "pre-prom" party?? You must be a freakin rich Canadian. Well, you got to be I guess to have the cooks cuit and glue the bacon together into circles!

I must be seeing the wrong thing! She didn't dance with you or get a picture taken with you, and she just sat alone?? How is that a "fight?" Before I read the comments I thought she was going to break up with you!

Oh well, fare thee well. Live long and prosper, what's that adage? Eat, drink, and make love to women?

The pre-prom party was hosted by one of the girls in my grade parents...and they are rich, I didn't have to pay for that.

The boat was the "after-grad" party which was after our prom dinner. Prom dinner is with all the grads, the parents, and the staff, a formal dinner/celebration. The after-grad boat party is for the grads to go crazy and let loose.

Her sitting there wasn't a fight, me getting mad at her was the fight. Read the first post all the way through it says it in there I'm pretty sure.

 

[rocketboy]

I went out with friends again tonight. I feel a lot better today, less stressed, less depressed, I've been able to think about things other than the situation which is good.

I also called her tonight, I was going to ask her when she would be available to go get coffee or something. I think she was at work though because her mom said she "wasn't available". What made me feel better was when I got home (at 12:35, about 15 mins ago) I checked the phone history and she had called me back at 9:16.

I think that worked out kinda well for the following reasons:

1) I called her, her mom passed on the message that I called, so my gf knows that I care about her and want to talk to her, and am not ignoring her, or playing games.

2) I wasn't home when she called back, which shows to her that although I love her, I'm not going to sit at home waiting for her call.

We'll see, she has exams for the next 3 days. I got invited to a party this coming friday by a girl I met a year ago and who went to university this past year, (she's a year older than I) so I haven't seen her in awhile. I am hoping my gf will come with me, she will have just finished her exams and I have a feeling if she came she would be in a pretty good mood. Unfortunately I also have a feeling that she will be working friday night.

 

[Astronuc]

I am pleased to see that one has calmed down. I think one should wait and talk to one's gf rather than making assumptions.

It occurred to me that during the pre-prom and at the prom, one consumed alcohol while one's girl friend did not. Does she not drink? If one drinks alcohol and one's gf does not, that may lead to conflict. And if one's looses one's temper when inebriated, I would imagine that would have a negative influence on one's partner. I think in the future, one should probably not drink, or at least not when with one's gf.

Perhaps one can send some flowers and a note, some tangible indication that you do care and that you are thinking about her. Wish her well on her exams. Keep such a message short and simple.

Perhaps, one could email one's gf a meaningful song in MP3.

Unforgettable would be good, or think about this song.

Pick something that is meaningful to both of you.
======================================
Thank You
(Page/Plant - Led Zeppelin II)

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.

Kind woman, I give you my all, Kind woman, nothing more.

Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,
together we shall go until we die. My, my, my.
An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look... see.

And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no more be sad, happiness...I'm glad.
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.

 

[rocketboy]

I am pleased to see that one has calmed down. I think one should wait and talk to one's gf rather than making assumptions.

It occurred to me that during the pre-prom and at the prom, one consumed alcohol while one's girl friend did not. Does she not drink? If one drinks alcohol and one's gf does not, that may lead to conflict. And if one's looses one's temper when inebriated, I would imagine that would have a negative influence on one's partner. I think in the future, one should probably not drink, or at least not when with one's gf.

Perhaps one can send some flowers and a note, some tangible indication that you do care and that you are thinking about her. Wish her well on her exams. Keep such a message short and simple.

Perhaps, one could email one's gf a meaningful song in MP3.

Unforgettable would be good, or think about this song.

Pick something that is meaningful to both of you.

She drinks (on occasion), but her dad was picking her up after the boat party so she thought better of it that night. She insisted that I not let that prevent me from having a few drinks though. I agree though, in the future if she doesn't drink I don't drink.

I sent her a nice email sunday morning. I am going to call her tonight and wish her luck on her exams.

Now that I've calmed down (you wouldn't believe how relaxed I am compared to sunday) I have started to realize that it is not the end of the world, probably not even the end of our relationship. I think once we get together and talk to each other we will be able to work it out. We've had an incredible relationship for the past 5 months (ok not as good the past month but still) and I don't think this incident will get in the way of it. I strongly believe that we will work it out, and who knows, maybe this is what we needed to get our spark back, something out of the ordinary. It will make us realize that **** does happen, it would be ignorant to think that problems/fights do not occur.

I haven't heard that LZ song before, (gasp) I am looking forward to listening to it.

Thank-you Astronuc, you've been very supportive and helpful, which impresses me because you don't even know me. Your family is extremely lucky to have you as a part of them.

 

[Astronuc]

Thank-you Astronuc, you've been very supportive and helpful, which impresses me because you don't even know me. Your family is extremely lucky to have you as a part of them.

Sometimes.

My brother, one or two cousins and I were vying for black sheep of the family.

You can consider yourself part of my family if you like. I'm sure we are related back there somewhere in the relatively recent past. I have lots of relatives scattered throughout the UK, Canada, NZ and Australia.

Then there is Lionel Ritchie's "Three Times a Lady", which reminds me of Helene.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Three Times A Lady

Thanks for the time that you've given me
The memories are all in my mind
And now that we've come to the end of our rainbow
That's something I must say out loud

You're once, twice, three times a lady
And I love you
Yes you're once, twice, three times a lady
And I love you
I love you

When we are together, the moments I cherished
With every beat of my heart
To touch you, to hold you, to feel you, to need you
There's nothing to keep us apart

You're once, twice, three times a lady
And I love you
Yes you're once, twice, three times a lady
And I love you
I love you
---------------------------------------------------

That's a pretty mellow tune.

 

[Astronuc]

Then there is the classic -

Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brother's - great for slow dancing and looking in each others' eyes.

Oh, my love, my darling
I've hungered for your touch,
A long, lonely time,
And time goes by,
So slowly and time can do so much
Are you, still mine?
I need your love,
I need your love
God speed your love to me

Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea,
To the waiting arms of the sea
Lonely rivers cry, wait for me, wait for me
To the open arms, wait for me

My love, my darling,
I've hungered for your kiss
Are you still mine?
I need your love,
I need your love
God, speed your love, to me

 

[rocketboy]

i finally arranged to see her tonight. we were going to go bowling with some friends of ours. so i get in my dad's car, and go to pick up my friend who was coming as well from 1 block away. I turn on to his street and smack, i run head-on into the SUV coming toward me. CAN YOU F'ING BELIEVE IT? the worst part was calling my gf to tell her i had to cancel the plans... and why. I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare.

edit: the saddest part is I'm letting it all out on a public physics forum because I'm too embarassed to talk to ppl i know.

 

[Astronuc]

Sorry to hear about your misfortune rocketboy. Don't give up!

 

[FrogPad]

i finally arranged to see her tonight. we were going to go bowling with some friends of ours. so i get in my dad's car, and go to pick up my friend who was coming as well from 1 block away. I turn on to his street and smack, i run head-on into the SUV coming toward me. CAN YOU F'ING BELIEVE IT? the worst part was calling my gf to tell her i had to cancel the plans... and why. I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare.

edit: the saddest part is I'm letting it all out on a public physics forum because I'm too embarassed to talk to ppl i know.

Are you ok dude? Any injuries?

 

[rocketboy]

Are you ok dude? Any injuries?

only my pride... I'm usually such an attentive driver.

 

[Evo]

i finally arranged to see her tonight. we were going to go bowling with some friends of ours. so i get in my dad's car, and go to pick up my friend who was coming as well from 1 block away. I turn on to his street and smack, i run head-on into the SUV coming toward me. CAN YOU F'ING BELIEVE IT? the worst part was calling my gf to tell her i had to cancel the plans... and why. I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare.

edit: the saddest part is I'm letting it all out on a public physics forum because I'm too embarassed to talk to ppl i know.

That really is bad. Maybe this is a sign, if she rushed to you out of consideration, or if she backed off, could be a sign of her true feelings.

 

[Moonbear]

i finally arranged to see her tonight. we were going to go bowling with some friends of ours. so i get in my dad's car, and go to pick up my friend who was coming as well from 1 block away. I turn on to his street and smack, i run head-on into the SUV coming toward me. CAN YOU F'ING BELIEVE IT? the worst part was calling my gf to tell her i had to cancel the plans... and why. I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare.

edit: the saddest part is I'm letting it all out on a public physics forum because I'm too embarassed to talk to ppl i know.

First...are you okay? Injury-wise, not ego-/feeling-wise. And how bad is the damage to the car? Was it still drive-able?

Second...how did she respond when you called to tell her what happened? As long as she showed some sympathy/concern and didn't breathe a sigh of relief, I think you're still okay.

Yeah, it seems you're running into a streak of rotten luck (or maybe you were so pre-occupied thinking of getting to see her, you failed to notice an SUV heading your way?...Were you the one at-fault in the accident?)

Well, someday when you have kids of your own, you'll have some good stories to tell when they start dating and run into some rocky spots of their own.

 

[Omega_6]

Before I broke up with the girlfriend that I referred to earlier, I also got in an accident. I got rear-ended by a truck in my compact car. The back half of my car was destroyed, but luckily there was no one in the back seat...so we were ok (my friend and I). How bad was the accident...and how did your girlfriend respond?

 

[rocketboy]

The damage wasn't too bad. It wasn't bad enough for the airbags to come out, and the cop said it was under 1000. In Canada it's law that if the damage is over 1000 dollars then the law has to get involved, which would be bad because then I would get a fine and it could go to court and stuff. But the cop said it was likely borderline and he was going to call it under, thank god. The SUV didn't have much, he'll need a new bumper. For me, the right headlight is smashed, and the hood is dented a little bit (I think it can be hammered out) and then the right side panel needs replaced because it's deformed pretty good. It's not overly bad... I wasn't going fast. It was in a residential area, a block from home.

As for my gf when I called her... well the first thing she said was "omg are you ok?" which kinda made me feel good. But to tell you the truth she didn't sound overly worried. I said I was fine adn she asked again "are you sure?". Then I told her I was fine and I"d talk to her later.

My other friend who I was going to go pick up was more worried, I called her to tell her I had to cancel, and then she asked if I was ok etc.. and I assured her I was fine. Then 5 minutes later she called me again because she was worried and wanted to make sure I was ok, if I needed anything. It would have been nice if my gf had cared as much as she did.

my third friend was dissapointed that I wasn't goin bowling... lol, he asked if i was alright, and when I said I wasn't hurt at all he said "well you can still come bowling right?" lol...

 

[Cyrus]

I feel like I am watching days of our lives.

 

[Evo]

The damage wasn't too bad. It wasn't bad enough for the airbags to come out, and the cop said it was under 1000. In Canada it's law that if the damage is over 1000 dollars then the law has to get involved, which would be bad because then I would get a fine and it could go to court and stuff. But the cop said it was likely borderline and he was going to call it under, thank god. The SUV didn't have much, he'll need a new bumper. For me, the right headlight is smashed, and the hood is dented a little bit (I think it can be hammered out) and then the right side panel needs replaced because it's deformed pretty good. It's not overly bad... I wasn't going fast. It was in a residential area, a block from home.

As for my gf when I called her... well the first thing she said was "omg are you ok?" which kinda made me feel good. But to tell you the truth she didn't sound overly worried. I said I was fine adn she asked again "are you sure?". Then I told her I was fine and I"d talk to her later.

My other friend who I was going to go pick up was more worried, I called her to tell her I had to cancel, and then she asked if I was ok etc.. and I assured her I was fine. Then 5 minutes later she called me again because she was worried and wanted to make sure I was ok, if I needed anything. It would have been nice if my gf had cared as much as she did.

That's a tough call, I'd have to know more about her personality to say anything. She could be just as concerned as your friend, but deals with things differently.

It's too hard for an outsider to say. She's not refusing to see you or talk to you, so I'd say it's not over in her mind. It may not even be on the same level as what you're dealing with. I find that's often true. One person in the relationship sees the end of the world and the other doesn't see a problem. It's a terrible space to be in, when you're the one thinking it's the end. You're a lot like me. You care a lot, you feel deeply. Not everyone cares as deeply and it's hard to understand.

 

[rocketboy]

That's a tough call, I'd have to know more about her personality to say anything. She could be just as concerned as your friend, but deals with things differently.

It's too hard for an outsider to say. She's not refusing to see you or talk to you, so I'd say it's not over in her mind. It may not even be on the same level as what you're dealing with. I find that's often true. One person in the relationship sees the end of the world and the other doesn't see a problem. It's a terrible space to be in, when you're the one thinking it's the end. You're a lot like me. You care a lot, you feel deeply. Not everyone cares as deeply and it's hard to understand.

I heard a rumor yesterday. My friend's sister told me that she had been told by a friend of hers who is on my gf's soccer team (not very reputable?) that my gf told her that she was "planning on dumping me, but now not sure" and this would have been last wednesday when they had soccer. It kind of makes sense...because it was soon after I started this thread (early last week) when I thought things were worst, and that I was going to lose her. As the week went on, I kept wondering why she was holding onto me. Which would go along with the "now not sure" thing.

Saturday I called her to see if I could see her htat night, adn she told me she was feeling really sick. Unfortunately I have no way of knowing if this was true or not. I don't see why she would lie as an excuse to not see me and then tonight be all for seeing me... when I called and asked her if she wanted to go bowling she said yes pretty quickly. Not only that, but she didn't say "one sec I'll ask my parents" which is what she has had to do every other time I've asked her if she wanted to do somehting (unless it was planned in advance). So this could possibly mean that she had already asked her parents if she could go out tonight, and was planning on calling me to see if I wanted to do something if I hadn't called her. Then again, who knows, maybe she just knew her parents would let her see me.

edit: I'm starting to think that maybe she's just as confused about her feelings as I am. maybe I'm not the only one on a crazy emotional roller coster ride.

edit 2: evo, that's a great quote in your sig.

 

[Moonbear]

Yeah, it's kind of hard to tell. Her reaction doesn't sound too cool...I would be the same way. As long as you assured me you were okay and the damage pretty minimal, mostly a fender-bender at low speed, then I'm not going to keep pestering you about it. Other friends of mine are more like your other friend, which I consider a bit of over-reaction. When a boyfriend of mine was in a roll-over accident, yeah, I called back a bit later and sent a few emails to double check that he wasn't just saying he was okay when he wasn't (I had a hard time believing someone could roll over in an SUV and come out with just a shoulder bruised from the seatbelt). But, it doesn't sound like your accident was too bad. Unless, of course, she's the sort of person who usually goes overboard worrying about things, and is acting out of character by taking it calmly.

But, yeah, no surprise she was thinking about dumping you last week...afterall, you had just picked a fight with her in the middle of the dance floor and had been telling her she was acting "weird." She was probably pissed and ready to cut you loose. But, then a little time has her re-thinking that. That's good that she agreed quickly to go out with you tonight. It means she's probably cooled off and decided she'll forgive you for yelling at her on the dance floor.

 

[Evo]

edit: I'm starting to think that maybe she's just as confused about her feelings as I am. maybe I'm not the only one on a crazy emotional roller coster ride.

That's the feeling I get. I think you two may be able to work things out in the long run. It's just emotionally draining.

edit 2: evo, that's a great quote in your sig.

Yep, all too true.

 

[Soilwork]

I don't see what's weird about her not phoning you again and again to ask if you're alright even though you told her you were fine. If someone told me they were fine and they were talking to me normally on the phone then there is no point in worrying. If you had something serious or even something like a broken finger someone would be able to pick up that you weren't a 100%.

I'm not being insulting here or anything, but I think you're a bit too sensitive and emotional. What I mean is that you overanalyse things and read too much into some action taken by your girlfriend.

 

[J77]

I feel like I am watching days of our lives.

Is that like Hollyoaks?

I still want to know if she gets sea-sick or not...

 

[rocketboy]

Last night I was out with friends, got home and noticed (to my happiness) that she had called while I was out. I slept well last night.

Tonight, I was battling the decision to call her or not. I knew that she worked today and wasn't sure when she got home... so I figured I'd let her call me, in the past little while I don't think she's called me two nights in a row without hearing from me, it has been consistent that she would call if I had called and left a message for her but otherwise no. So I started reading the 6th Harry Potter book and completely forgot about calling anyone. For the second night in a row I was pleasantly surprised when the phone rang and it was her. She seemed more normal than she has in the past while, she asked me how I was, (referring to the car) and seemed to enjoy talking to me for once.

So basically, I think things may be starting to turn around. Now all I need to do is find a time to see her.. and figure out how to see her since my parents have (implied) that I have lost driving privaledges. (two speeding tickets and a car accident in my first year of driving haven't gone over too well... even though they both know that I am a responsible driver... I admit I have a heavy foot though)

 

[Evo]

Last night I was out with friends, got home and noticed (to my happiness) that she had called while I was out. I slept well last night.

Tonight, I was battling the decision to call her or not. I knew that she worked today and wasn't sure when she got home... so I figured I'd let her call me, in the past little while I don't think she's called me two nights in a row without hearing from me, it has been consistent that she would call if I had called and left a message for her but otherwise no. So I started reading the 6th Harry Potter book and completely forgot about calling anyone. For the second night in a row I was pleasantly surprised when the phone rang and it was her. She seemed more normal than she has in the past while, she asked me how I was, (referring to the car) and seemed to enjoy talking to me for once.

So basically, I think things may be starting to turn around. Now all I need to do is find a time to see her.. and figure out how to see her since my parents have (implied) that I have lost driving privaledges. (two speeding tickets and a car accident in my first year of driving haven't gone over too well... even though they both know that I am a responsible driver... I admit I have a heavy foot though)

Yes, it seems she's moving closer again, that's great!

The Evo Child wrecked her new car three times in her first 6 weeks, but hasn't had an incident since.