- #1
nantucket
wtf is wrong with me? background- I'm getting my masters in math from a top 25 school, but I'm 26. I spent the previous years of my life doing busy work and playing video games/watching anime.
Now, for around half an hour per day, i would write on pieces of paper a fictionalized account of my age from 11-25 (i chose 11 because that's when i decided to say '**** school' and get addicted to video games, then drugs at 13, even though i really wanted to do amc despite average skill in math). I would have 'stories', in journal format, like 'today i finished algebra 2 and am learning geometry', sketching out time lines of my goals and what i accomplished. Most of the time i would start calculus in 8th grade. Sometimes, in addition to math, I would master a language, instrument, or sport. I would calculate the hours and see how much time i could use to learn new skills.
this is usually late at night. when i go to sleep, my mind would be full of imagined scenarios with me discovering books and reading them, etc. I never feel sad, since i know i am VERY fortunate to at least get into grad school, or even study in the first world, but i feel HAPPY when i do these things. That's the part that scares me. I'm smiling when I imagine feeling in awe of math and reconstructing theorems of my own and just having more knowledge about math than i do now (at 26, which would be the age people get phds and make their top contributions). and i love this imagined world much more than my current one. hell, i HATE my current life, and i only enjoy working on my degree, reading papers, etc. (though i occasionally go on forums once or twice a week, but only between breaks at night). I have friends, but no gf, but i have dated in recent months, but my entire life is focused on 'catching up', and because i have to work a part time job I'm even MORE paranoid about falling behind. i feel like i'll never get a job in math and will end up somewhere else.
i don't want to be the greatest in math, but i want to have the SKILL to do it. It's so damn competitive... and this is the age I'm supposed to be settling down.
so far I'm doing good. but compared do others, i don't think I'm doing good ENOUGH to survive. there's some ego thing going on; mainly, it's that i have no skills in life and this is the only thing I've built up since i was 22. it's just that my TIME feels fading- I'm obsessed with it.
I horribly regret my previous years, and I feel old and disgusted about all the fun math things i missed when i was younger. I also feel that my knowledge is **** compared to others and I'll never accomplish anything.
i feel like I'm reconstructing my own memories.
so, uh, anyone else do this?
Now, for around half an hour per day, i would write on pieces of paper a fictionalized account of my age from 11-25 (i chose 11 because that's when i decided to say '**** school' and get addicted to video games, then drugs at 13, even though i really wanted to do amc despite average skill in math). I would have 'stories', in journal format, like 'today i finished algebra 2 and am learning geometry', sketching out time lines of my goals and what i accomplished. Most of the time i would start calculus in 8th grade. Sometimes, in addition to math, I would master a language, instrument, or sport. I would calculate the hours and see how much time i could use to learn new skills.
this is usually late at night. when i go to sleep, my mind would be full of imagined scenarios with me discovering books and reading them, etc. I never feel sad, since i know i am VERY fortunate to at least get into grad school, or even study in the first world, but i feel HAPPY when i do these things. That's the part that scares me. I'm smiling when I imagine feeling in awe of math and reconstructing theorems of my own and just having more knowledge about math than i do now (at 26, which would be the age people get phds and make their top contributions). and i love this imagined world much more than my current one. hell, i HATE my current life, and i only enjoy working on my degree, reading papers, etc. (though i occasionally go on forums once or twice a week, but only between breaks at night). I have friends, but no gf, but i have dated in recent months, but my entire life is focused on 'catching up', and because i have to work a part time job I'm even MORE paranoid about falling behind. i feel like i'll never get a job in math and will end up somewhere else.
i don't want to be the greatest in math, but i want to have the SKILL to do it. It's so damn competitive... and this is the age I'm supposed to be settling down.
so far I'm doing good. but compared do others, i don't think I'm doing good ENOUGH to survive. there's some ego thing going on; mainly, it's that i have no skills in life and this is the only thing I've built up since i was 22. it's just that my TIME feels fading- I'm obsessed with it.
I horribly regret my previous years, and I feel old and disgusted about all the fun math things i missed when i was younger. I also feel that my knowledge is **** compared to others and I'll never accomplish anything.
i feel like I'm reconstructing my own memories.
so, uh, anyone else do this?