What Do You Do If You Were a Rock Star?

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if, the person ahead of you, stays there, forever?

(Edit: added the ®)

Remove the ® from the person ahead of you when they aren't paying attention, replace it with © or ° or §, perhaps even ¥ which is kind of scary looking, and they will soon be on a steamer to the antarctic and out of your hair.

What do you do if you go to the little liquor store on the corner for a bottle of Parsons™ Sparkling Aged Vodka but all they carry there is ƒireƒly's™ "Gastroluminescent"† Pure Molasses Rum?†"If your colon don't glow, it ain't ƒireƒly's"

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you go to the little liquor store on the corner for a bottle of Parsons™ Sparkling Aged Vodka but all they carry there is ƒireƒly's™ "Gastroluminescent"† Pure Molasses Rum?


†"If your colon don't glow, it ain't ƒireƒly's"

we've been having fun with the symbols i ©. Well, I think it's patently® obvious (clear, luminescent) that the slogan, while catchy, is plain reality? does your colon belong to a ƒireƒly?? huh? noooooooo! or some other bioluminescent species (certain fish, again, are phosphorescent or have such parts)? again, noooo! So how the HECK would you ever expect your colon to glow? of course no rum's going to make it glow! not even this cleverly marketed brand that the corner store carries. sheeesh!

What do you do if, having discovered the relative "safety" of your alternate brand of alcotoxin, you find your self easin' on down to the corner store ever more frequently, and in between trips, easin' on down to t' lil' boy's room, the rum's molasses component not having undergone full distillation and having eased that reg'lr-like colon o' yers right into deregulation? (a go go go... but no glow!)

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if, having discovered the relative "safety" of your alternate brand of alcotoxin, you find your self easin' on down to the corner store ever more frequently, and in between trips, easin' on down to t' lil' boy's room, the rum's molasses component not having undergone full distillation and having eased that reg'lr-like colon o' yers right into deregulation? (a go go go... but no glow!)

*<<Newsflash>>* ~PA~ (press associates) "This just in, man discovers large floating luminescent object at local waste disposal plant...film at eleven!"...So apparenlty you haven't yet discovered that it has a time delayed effect, and you have just been going to "The little Boys Room" just a bit too quick for the luminescence to have taken it's glowing hold **Hic** my turn!

What do yo do if, while flying to Europe, you realize that you have forgotten to board the plane?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do yo do if, while flying to Europe, you realize that you have forgotten to board the plane?

Promise yourself that never again will you let a Polish Aviator of your acquaintaince talk you into having a second ƒlying zoobie (made with two parts Parsons™ Sparkling Aged Vodka, three parts ƒireƒly's® "Gastroluminescent" Pure Molasses Rum, two parts unpasteurized goat's milk, and an ice cube.What do you do if you find yourself flying to Europe without having boarded a plane, and in your pocket you find a plasticized cross cultural instruction card which says, among other things, "In France you will encounter an odd, vaguely toilet- looking thing in many bathrooms. It is not a toilet. Do not use it as a toilet. No one from North America has ever been able to determine exactly what these things are, but many have discovered that they are not toilets."?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you find yourself flying to Europe without having boarded a plane, and in your pocket you find a plasticized cross cultural instruction card which says, among other things, "In France you will encounter an odd, vaguely toilet- looking thing in many bathrooms. It is not a toilet. Do not use it as a toilet. No one from North America has ever been able to determine exactly what these things are, but many have discovered that they are not toilets."?

CRY EUREKA! cause surely I have found the drinking fountain...needs a large basin as I here that where your on your seventh, (or eigth) Vino, watering yourself is supposedly messy...at least that was what the rumor was...so I heard...

What do you do if your Vino, doesn't float?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if your Vino, doesn't float?

Stick to Vodka... you know the one!

What do you do if, after seven or eight(een?) Vodkas... you're the one floating... not necessarily right "sight" up?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if, after seven or eight(een?) Vodkas... you're the one floating... not necessarily right "sight" up?

That's when you bite the hare that dogged you.What do you do if, while sitting at a table outside Le Café du Lapin Dormant, biting the hare that dogged you, the hare you are biting (from the above doggerel) awakes, winks at you, and says:"Let lying hares sleep."?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by a now hungry Zoobypied
What do you do if, while sitting at a table outside Le Café du Lapin Dormant, biting the hare that dogged you, the hare you are biting (from the above doggerel) awakes, winks at you, and says:"Let lying hares sleep."?

You grab the Hare, by the hair, and take him next door to the"Cafe du Le Poisson Cuit, Tumeur, Vers le bas" and make him eat your fish's tumor, all the while enjoying a fine gallon of Zoobypieds original (the one and only) W(h)ine(r)® (and YA! they spell it that way!) from the shoe of an ajaxified cleaning ladies left foot, the one with the free JAM!
(P.S.sssst save a small piece for the little people inside the screen, their signalling that they are hungry...Thanks! up front!)

What do you do if, while eating "Cafe du Le Poisson Cuit, Tumeur, Vers le bas", your tumor is facing UP??

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if, while eating "Cafe du Le Poisson Cuit, Tumeur, Vers le bas", your tumor is facing UP??

It is to avoid just such problems that I do not frequent fish & coffee chain restaurants.What do you do if you are repelling down the side of a giant sequoia tree on the coast of US western state, California, in the area known as Big Sur and, halfway down, come upon a hollow in the tree in which a slender, young woman is seated cross legged, strumming a guitar singing "It's a long way to Tipparery"?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are repelling down the side of a giant sequoia tree on the coast of US western state, California, in the area known as Big Sur and, halfway down, come upon a hollow in the tree in which a slender, young woman is seated cross legged, strumming a guitar singing "It's a long way to Tipparery"?

("Geeze" and I thought that was you, zoob, sitting there in that tree, in Big sur when I was there, back in '99)...explain to her that, with mass transit, air travel, and plate tectonics, that is no longer true.

what do you do if while driving through a giant Sequoia tree, in your car, it falls?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
what do you do if while driving through a giant Sequoia tree, in your car, it falls?

I would imagine in that circumstance there would be better things to do than to sit and ponder new recipes that could be created with ƒireƒly's "Gastroluminescent" Pure Molasses Rum, so I would probably get my chainsaw out of the trunk of the car and carve the image of former US presidents Calvin Coolidge and Herbert Hoover and any others whose first and last name began wih the same letters I could think of, into the fallen tree, put up signs saying "This way to Sequoia Rushmore", and charge a viewing fee to any tourists who happened by.

What do you do if you earn, say, three dollars and 52¢ this way ($3.519763 to be precise), and you realize you are at a complete loss as to how to spend this windfall?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you earn, say, three dollars and 52¢ this way ($3.519763 to be precise), and you realize you are at a complete loss as to how to spend this windfall?

Laundry. And maybe a videogame if you don't have too many loads to run.

What do you do if those big sir's you carved in sequoia, up in Big Sur come after you saying you cut them while shaving?

 

[Spherical_chicken]

Originally posted by firefly
Laundry. And maybe a videogame if you don't have too many loads to run.

What do you do if those big sir's you carved in sequoia, up in Big Sur come after you saying you cut them while shaving?

Tell them that next time they should sit still while being motored around the tundra in the pope-mobile.

What do you do with all the mulch?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by Spherical_chicken
What do you do with all the mulch?

Buy some glue to make retailable figures of your figures, figures!

What do you do if a Spherical Chicken comes along, and starts answering your questions?

 

[hemmul]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if a Spherical Chicken comes along, and starts answering your questions? [/B]

Continue posting new answers and questions.

What do you do if nobody answers your question for ages?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by hemmul
What do you do if nobody answers your question for ages?

Start using post appearances as wine-tasting events.

What do you do if, in a single hour, at least, according to clocks and timestamps, you feel remarkably aged but detect no improvement either in yourself nor in any of the wines in the cellar... even with much combined effort?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by (a) firefly
What do you do if, in a single hour, at least, according to clocks and timestamps, you feel remarkably aged but detect no improvement either in yourself nor in any of the wines in the cellar... even with much combined effort?

Keep trying , enough Vino and no matter waht youare going ot feel the shifts of time in many a varied directsuns (HIC) folllowwed ups by the dishplacement of the variiouuus attritbutitoalal qualifities of mannnny timmtineeaws...Hic...thUd!

What do you do if, every time you need to respond, to one of these questions, you need to drink enough Parsons Brand® Sparkling Spring Vodka and Firefly Bioluminescent waddayamacallit to 'intoxicatify' the entire US Army/Navy/Airforce, and now you need to know (Basis-eyes only TOP-TOP-TOP Secret!,,,No looking now) who pays the Bill??

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if, every time you need to respond, to one of these questions, you need to drink enough Parsons Brand® Sparkling Spring Vodka and Firefly Bioluminescent waddayamacallit to 'intoxicatify' the entire US Army/Navy/Airforce, and now you need to know (Basis-eyes only TOP-TOP-TOP Secret!,,,No looking now) who pays the Bill??

Zoooooooooby! Who else? He just made a fortune ($3.52 was it?)! ... if he hasn't spent it on laundry yet.

What do you do if, at the expense of Zooby's laundry, the bill is paid but the duck it belonged to suffocates and the RSPCA files a lawsuit against you, the initiating consumer of the sad affair, for... ooooooooh, say... a billion dollars?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if, at the expense of Zooby's laundry, the bill is paid but the duck it belonged to suffocates and the RSPCA files a lawsuit against you, the initiating consumer of the sad affair, for... ooooooooh, say... a billion dollars?

It's funny you should ask that quetion, because once, when I was recovering from a jellyfish sting I sought to sue the manufacturers of jellyfish, here in the US, but it turned out that what they, in fact, produced was fish jelly not jellyfish, but I was confused due to it sometimes being referred to as jellied fish, rather than fish jelly. At any rate. Johnnie Cochrane took the case, but try as he might he couldn't create a good, catchy rhyme to apply to the situation ("If the jelly don't fish, you must return the dish!" didn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone.) so I lost, and now I'm hunting for the real manufacturers of jelly fish, which, it turns out, are other jelly fish. (Yes, jelly fish make more jelly fish.) I'm currently surfing the web searching for their attourneys. Wat do you do if...No, I mean What do yo dou if...No, I mean Wat do you do f...No, Imen What do yu du if...No, I mean What do you do if...No, I mean ehat do you do [/if]......NO I men Hat if you do it..?NO, I MEAN IF YOU DO IT HAVE IT DO WHAT IF YOU DO? _{Have it? Do you?}

 

[hemmul]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
Wat do you do if...No, I mean What do yo dou if...No, I mean Wat do you do f...No, Imen What do yu du if...No, I mean What do you do if...No, I mean ehat do you do [/if]......NO I men Hat if you do it..?NO, I MEAN IF YOU DO IT HAVE IT DO WHAT IF YOU DO? _{Have it? Do you?}

Oh... ups... i'd rather, yu know, erhm... this is tha question i thought of fr a looooong tiiiimeeee... bt, oh shUt... So, I WOULD, oh, i woood simply, erm... no, you see the thing i did, i will simply will have but, generally speaking, howevere, if i had to do what i do and not that i don't do in spite of i have to, oh god, what to do, _{what to do}, i would, no i will, a DO, AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa... i hope you understand me :)

What, do, you, do, if you feel you feel something?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by hemmul
What, do, you, do, if you feel you feel something?

Don't make any hasty decisions based on feelings. It could be you're actually only fœling, or fæling, or føøling, or féåling.What do you do if you receive a PM from a total stranger asking for help on the following problem:

Zooby,

I see from the quetion and answer thread that you are very smart. Could you please explain to me why, if you're so smart, you don't believe that aliens from the planet Sphincter 32 (Uranus) are abducing my wife and children and me on a regular basis? I have proof. I woke up once with a bruise on my leg. How can you refute such evidence? Also my wife is now pregnant and I haven't had sex with her in two years. Our last two children were born bald and with large heads, and also not very human colored, and with not one human tooth in their mouths, proving they were fathered by things not meant to eat human food. The oldest is 7 and she did finally grow human teeth but now they are falling out every month or so and a new one grows in just like a shark or something.

Signed,

¶ø¥ß†¬µð¥

?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you receive a PM from a total stranger asking for help on the following problem:

Zooby,

I see from the quetion and answer thread that you are very smart. Could you please explain to me why, if you're so smart, you don't believe that aliens from the planet Sphincter 32 (Uranus) are abducing my wife and children and me on a regular basis? I have proof. I woke up once with a bruise on my leg. How can you refute such evidence? Also my wife is now pregnant and I haven't had sex with her in two years. Our last two children were born bald and with large heads, and also not very human colored, and with not one human tooth in their mouths, proving they were fathered by things not meant to eat human food. The oldest is 7 and she did finally grow human teeth but now they are falling out every month or so and a new one grows in just like a shark or something.

Signed,

¶ø¥ß†¬µð¥

?

Simple, I would reply...

With all due respect, I'm firefly, not Zooby, f-i-r-e-f-l-y. different spelling, see? In any case, allow me to suggest you submit your case to the Skepticism and Debunking forum here at PF. Someone there might be able to help. How nice for your daughter... she will appreciate having brand new teeth every month when she is 70 - if she lives that long. Also, this will save you bundles on health care - you might just want to go with the flow. If this is really troublesome, perhaps you could try to contact your a... oh, i mean Uranus in order to rectify the situation. Use Kundalini. Oh, wait, no, don't try any strange "posturing" - that might have actually got you into this situation to begin with.

Signed,
firefly

What do you do if a stranger with a shark-toothed daughter and his head up his anus moves in as your new next door neighbor?

 

[Shady18]

Real answer: Get a new dishwasher...
Silly answer: Slap her on the butt and tell her to get back to work... (I'm REALLY not sexist; just too good to pass on...).

What would you do if you discovered that you are from a different planet, and are unable to mate with lowly Earthlings?

 

[Shady18]

Damn, I posted on the wrong page...
New, correct answer: Hire Richard Dreyfuss to pull her teeth, and plunge the man's head from his... posterior cavity.

What would you do if you discovered you had the power of persuasion?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Shady18
What would you do if you discovered you had the power of persuasion?

You mean I don't? I am so disappointed. Oh, the sweet delusion of innocence... Oh no! Oh no! where did it go? Oh no!

What do you do if, enlightened to your powers of persuasion, you try to persuade yourself to accept and pursue your newfound inclination, but your car breaks down on the way to Uranus due to a jellyfish in the engine?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by Fireflew
What do you do if, enlightened to your powers of persuasion, you try to persuade yourself to accept and pursue your newfound inclination, but your car breaks down on the way to Uranus due to a jellyfish in the engine?

Jump out of the car, quickly persuade the jellyfish to turn into "fishjelly", (thereby cleaning the motor for restart) restart your eingine and restart your trip to Your (ooooops) UrAnus and restart singing that ditty that you can't get out of your head!

What do you do if the ditty in your head is sooooooo stuck, you can no longer think of anything else, to the point that when you open your mouth, out come the lyrics, followed by your very sad imitation of the background vocalist, stress crackling in your, now strained, therefore 'falsetto', squeaky voice, hoarse from the strain, and causing you to expectorate gobs of blobs of sputum?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if the ditty in your head is sooooooo stuck, you can no longer think of anything else, to the point that when you open your mouth, out come the lyrics, followed by your very sad imitation of the background vocalist, stress crackling in your, now strained, therefore 'falsetto', squeaky voice, hoarse from the strain, and causing you to expectorate gobs of blobs of sputum?

Brains are a lot like engines ... might I suggest fish-jelly or WD40: two squirts up each nostril should dissolve all stuckness.

What do you do if someone disassembles your genetic code and leaves you in bits?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if someone disassembles your genetic code and leaves you in bits?

Byte down hard and start glueing together the A's & G's then the C's and T's and then add them all together in there right sequence, and Voila, your baaaaaack!

What do you do if, someone is attempting to glue their DNA, back together, and they lost all of the Uracil?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if, someone is attempting to glue their DNA, back together, and they lost all of the Uracil?

Try substituting zoobonoacrylate - Zoobyglue™. Comes in the convenient 55 gallon drum. Available at a ZoobyBrushShelter Depot™ near you.What do you do if you neglect to mow the back yard for a while, go out there and start trying to tame the short jungle with your 5 hp mower, only to discover the yard has been commandeered by a colony of slithery, reptilian, scuttling, critters with sharp teeth, talons, and long tails, who make an exceptionally unpleasant crunching noise when you mow them into mulch?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you neglect to mow the back yard for a while, go out there and start trying to tame the short jungle with your 5 hp mower, only to discover the yard has been commandeered by a colony of slithery, reptilian, scuttling, critters with sharp teeth, talons, and long tails, who make an exceptionally unpleasant crunching noise when you mow them into mulch?

Buy ear-protectors, mulch away till they Crunch no more, then remember to mow your lawn frequently enough that they cannot gain a slitherscuttle upon it...

What do you do if somone keeps trying to insult you, and the reality is that, it is that action, that is actually the insult to them, but you haven't the heart to tell them cause you don't want to bust'em up there 'arrogance'?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if somone keeps trying to insult you, and the reality is that, it is that action, that is actually the insult to them, but you haven't the heart to tell them cause you don't want to bust'em up there 'arrogance'?

It's a question of misplaced negatives. For your part... you have the heart... not to tell them.

What do you do if you have heart, but realize you haven't the right perspective to break a silence?

Edit: fixed formatting. Ack!

 

[zoobyshoe]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if you have heart, but realize you haven't the right perspective to break a silence?

Er... that character, the "silent" statue guy, who felt he only lacked perspective was cut out of The Wizard Of Oz because he was too boring.

What do you do if you are standing in line to buy an ice cream cone and the proprietor announces that they are all out of cones, cups, bowls etc, so that anyone who wants ice cream must have it scooped into their hands?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if you are standing in line to buy an ice cream cone and the proprietor announces that they are all out of cones, cups, bowls etc, so that anyone who wants ice cream must have it scooped into their hands?

Sounds "finger lickin' good" to me ... perhaps he's not out of containers at all, but simply an envious, desserted relative of Colonel Saunders. Mmmmmmmmmm-mmm!

What do you do if you get stuck in an igloo filled with toxic fumes?

 

[Mr. Robin Parsons]

Originally posted by firefly
What do you do if you get stuck in an igloo filled with toxic fumes?

Kick the flatulent Dog out of the igloo, then cuddle up, with my wife!

What do you do if, you want to cuddle up with your wife, but your not married?

 

[firefly]

Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if, you want to cuddle up with your wife, but your not married?

After the dog has somewhat deflated outside, let him back in and cuddle up with the dog. just to be clear, i would draw the line at physical proximity with the dog in such a way as to reduce combined surface area and therefore minimize heat loss... applications: space heater - toe blanket - filler in of that niche in your back that chills up? don't really know about the wife thing... i don't have one of those either. (heh! funny thought, me with a wife!)

What do you do if you suddenly find that all your vocal emissions sound like a dog-bark, everyone else sounds like pigs grunting, and they seem to understand each other... but not you?