What Are Some Clever Math Puns to Brighten Your Day?

[topsquark]

(groans in great pain)

-Dan

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.

I'm making a graph of my past relationships. It has an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.

Puns: that's a rare medium well done.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

The irregular fraction hotline works 24/7.

So a physicist walks into h-bar...
and tells the bartender, "I'll have two pies."

If there is a scientific journal devoted to developments in electricity and magnetism, it should be called Current Events.

 

[soroban]

Mugger: Give me your money or you're Algebra.

Victim: You mean History.

Mugger: Don't change the subject!

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

If someone asks you to spell "part" backwards, don't. It's a trap.

19 and 20 had a fight.
21.

Q: What's the difference between 2 * 10 and 2 * 11?
A: There is no difference. One is twenty, the other is twenty-two.

 

[Deveno]

There were 30 cows, and 28 chickens. 10 didn't.

 

[Math Amateur]

At the end of a particularly boring lecture, a Professor's students locked the door to the lecture theatre and said, when you make a pun we will let you out ...

The Professor said "o-pun the door"

... and the students let him out ...

Peter

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

Q: What do British nuclear engineers eat?
A: Fission chips.

Q: What do you call singing in the shower when shampoo gets in your mouth?
A: A soap opera.

Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A: One is heavy, the other one is a little lighter.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

I visited a yard sale and saw a stereo for only \$1 because its volume was stuck to full.

I thought, "I can't turn that down!"

But it turns out the fuse was also blown, so I realized I'd have to refuse.

No big loss though, as it also didn't have a power cord. I really wasn't looking to record anything anyway.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

I hate negative numbers. When counting, I stop at nothing to avoid them.

Spoiler

Nothing = 0.

Not all math puns are bad.
Just sum.

Catamorphism is the property of a cat to assume the shape of the vessel it is in.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

Q: How do you make 7 even?
A: You take away the "s".

Teacher: What's $\sin(Q)/\cos(Q)$?
Student: $\tan(Q)$.
Teacher: You're welcome.

Genie: What is your first wish?
Dave: I wish to be rich.
Genie: Granted, what is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

 

[topsquark]

Q: How do you make 7 even?
A: You take away the "s".

Teacher: What's $\sin(Q)/\cos(Q)$?
Student: $\tan(Q)$.
Teacher: You're welcome.

Genie: What is your first wish?
Dave: I wish to be rich.
Genie: Granted, what is your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

I'll fess up. Could someone please explain the Genie pun?

-Dan

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

The genie granted Dave's first wish by making him Rich.

Spoiler

Look at the names carefully.

 

[topsquark]

The genie granted Dave's first wish by making him Rich.

Spoiler

Look at the names carefully.

We really need an emoticon for "facepalms."

-Dan

 

[I like Serena]

I'm still trying to figure out what 'Rich' will want next, once he's got lots of lottery tickets for money.

 

[Joppy]

The genie granted Dave's first wish by making him Rich.

Spoiler

Look at the names carefully.

Phew (Sweating), that's cold. I love it! (Rofl)

 

[mathlearn]

The genie granted Dave's first wish by making him Rich.

Spoiler

Look at the names carefully.

An explanation on this please

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

An explanation on this please

Dave wanted to become rich, but genie instead changed his name to Rich.

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship late one night.
Paddy says to Murphy ‘Boy, it's awfully quiet tonight.’
Murphy replies ‘They're all probably watching the band.’
Paddy says ‘Band? There's no band on tonight.’
Murphy, stunned, replies ‘But I swear someone said a band on ship.’

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel Neccassary-on-a-bike.

I don't always tell dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

I've been sending "get well soon" cards to my friends who can't pay their water bill.

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A: Aye matey.

Q: Which guns don't kill animals?
A: Vegans.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St. Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

Person 1: "Have you heard about Orion's belt? It's a big waist of space".
Person 2: "Terrible joke. Only three stars".

\(\displaystyle \frac{\text{NaCl}}{\text{NaOH}}\)
The base is under a salt.

No matter how nice your kids are, German children are kinder.

Q: Why are variables $i$ and $j$ a good source of information?
A: They are always in the loop.

 

[Wilmer]

Name of Irishman bouncing off the walls : Rick O'Shea !

Halloween top dessert: Booooberry pie and I scream !

 

[MarkFL]

Name of Irishman bouncing off the walls : Rick O'Shea !

I once actually knew a man with that name, but I called him "Geddy" because of his striking resemblance to Geddy Lee. He once said his idea of a 7 course meal is a six-pack and a potato. :)

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up. Now I have two adult knees.

I have two arms, but I also have forearms.

Why do cows have hoofs instead of paws? Because they lactose.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

Did you know the first French fries weren't made in France?
They were cooked in Greece.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

Russian high school students have to wade through the huge four-volume novel "Warrant Peas" by Leo Tolstoy.

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

I don't have kids, but I love to tell dad jokes. Does this make me a faux pa?

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it is fully groan.

The other day I and my girlfriend watched three movies back to back. It's a good thing I was the one facing the TV.

 

[Wilmer]

Eileen has one leg shorter than the other.

Is it ok to park where a sign says "Fine for parking"?

 

[Wilmer]

The poor snake didn't have a pit to hiss in !

 

[topsquark]

The poor snake didn't have a pit to hiss in !

You did this one on another forum. I'm still not going to 'Like" you. (Fubar)

-Dan

 

[Evgeny.Makarov]

Smoking kills people but cures salmon.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics.
I just got bronze.

The last two are taken from the Edinburgh festival.

 

[Wilmer]

Clock repair shop ad:
"If your clock don't tick, tock to us"

Car rental agency ad:
"It's the lease we can do for you".

 

[Olinguito]

My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.

Or perhaps it was because you had too many faults?

 

[Olinguito]

A self-preservation society is a group whose members will do anything to stay alive, even if it kills them.

 

[HOI]

I remember seeing a truck from a sewer service company with the slogan "We're number 1 in the number 2 business"!

 

[LCKurtz]

The society for the preservation of wooden toilet seats: The Birch John Society.