. . . . The Blues - The Official Rules
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this mornin' ..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
. . unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like
. . "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. .After you get the first line right,
. . repeat it. .Then find something that rhymes (sort of).
. . "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
. . Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
. . Got teeth like Godzilla and she weigh five hundred pound."
4. The Blues is not about choice. .You stuck in a ditch,
. . you stuck in a ditch . . . ain't no way out.
5. Blue cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
. . Also, a greyhound bus or a southbound train. .Lear jets and
. . company cars on expense account are not even close to the
. . Blues. .Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle; so
. . does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. .They ain't fixin' to die yet.
. . Adults can sing the Blues. .In Blues, adulthood means being
. . old enough to get the chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or
. . any place in Canada. .Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle
. . is probably just clinical depression. .Chicago, St. Louis and
. . Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. .You
. . can't have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. .A woman
. . with male pattern baldness is. .Breaking your leg while skiing
. . is not the Blues. .Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be
. . chompin' on it is.
9. You can't have the Blues in an office or a mall. .The lighting is
. . wrong. .Go outside to the parking lot and sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
. . . . a. Highway
. . . . b. Jail
. . . . c. An empty bed
. . . . d. Bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
. . . . a. Nordstrom's
. . . . b. Gallery openings
. . . . c. English Lit lectures
. . . . d. Golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, unless
. . . you're an old ethnic person and you slept in it.
13. You have the right to sing the Blues if:
. . . a. You older than dirt
. . . b. You blind
. . . c. You shot a man in Memphis
. . . d. You can't be satisfied
14. You do not have the right to sing the Blues if:
. . . a. You have all your teeth
. . . b. The man in Memphis lived
. . . c. You just totaled your Mercedes
. . . d. You have a pension fund
15. Blues is not a matter of color. .It's a matter of bad luck.
. . . Tiger Woods can't sing the Blues. .Sonny Liston could.
. . . Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline,
. . . it's the Blues.
17. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
. . . a. Cheap wine
. . . b. Whiskey or bourban
. . . c. Muddy water
. . . d. Nasty black coffee
18. The following are not Blues beverages:
. . . a. Perrier
. . . b. Chardonnay
. . . c. Snapple
. . . d. Slim Fast
19. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
. . . it's a Blues death. .Stabbed in the back by a jealous
. . . lover is another Blues way to die. .So is the electric
. . . chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken
. . . cot. .You can't have a Blues death if you die during a
. . . tennis match or while getting liposuction.
20. Some Blues names for women:
. . . a. Sadie
. . . b. Big Mama
. . . c. Bessie
. . . d. Fat River Dumpling
21. Some Blues names for men:
. . . a. Joe
. . . b. Willie
. . . c. Little Willie
. . . d. Big Willie
22. People with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie and
. . . Heather are not allowed to sing the Blues, no matter
. . . how many men they shot in Memphis.
23. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
. . . a. name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Lame, Cripple)
. . . b. name of a fruit (Lime, Lemon, Melon)
. . . c. last name of a President (Jackson, Johnson, Jefferson)
. . . Example: Blind Lemon Jackson
24. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer,
. . . you are not allowed to sing the Blues.