Religious Jokes

[soroban]

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day.
Jesus selected an iron and teed up.
Moses said, "You should use a wood."
Jesus ignored him and His ball plopped into a water hazard.
"Told you," said Moses. He parted the water and retrieved the ball.

The Lord said, "Tiger Woods made this shot with this very iron.
If he can do it, I can do it!"
He teed up and again lobbed the ball into the pond.

Moses retrieved the ball and said, "This is the last time."
"Tiger Woods made this shot. If he can do it, I can do it," said Jesus.
And once again, the ball landed in the water.

"You can get it yourself," said Moses.
Jesus walked out on the water, looking for the ball.

Another golfer arrived and seeing a man walking on the water,
said, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"

"No," said Moses. "He thinks He's Tiger Woods."



A crowd was gathered to stone a woman for adultry.

Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

A stone flew out of the crowd and knocked the woman down.

Jesus put his hands on His hips. ."That's not funny, Mom!"



Abe and Sol walked past a Catholic church.

A sign said: "Convert to Catholicism and get \$500."

"I'll go see what that's all about," said Abe and went in.

Several minutes later he came out and said, "I'm a Catholic."

Sol said, "Did they give you \$500?"

Abe said, "Is that all you people think about?"



Sister Mary and sister Emma were driving one night.

Suddenly a vampire landed on their hood.

Sister Mary sweved the car violently, but the vampire held on.

"Sister Emma," she said, "Throw some garlic at him!"

Sister Emma leaned out and pelted the vampire with garlic.

The garlic raised welts on his face, but he held on.

"Sister Emma, "she said, "Throw some holy water on him!"

Sister Emma splashed holy water on the vampire.

His face was burning and steaming, but he still held on.

"Sister Emma," she said, "Show him your cross!"

Sister Emma shook her fist and said, "Get off the #@$! car!"

 

[soroban]

A Muslim, a Catholic, and a Jew were discussing their strong faiths.

The Muslim said, "Five years ago, I was caught in a sandstorm.
I was sure I was going to die, so I prayed to Allah. Suddenly for
fifty feet around me, the air around me was calm. The sandstorm
eventually subsided and I returned to my village and my family.
Ever since then, I've been a devout Muslim."

The Catholic said, "My story is similar. I was fishing on the ocean
a few years ago when a hurricane came out of nowhere. My small
boat was tossed and I was sure I was going to die, so I prayed to
God for help. Suddenly for fifty feet around me, the sea was calm.
Later I got safely ashore and since then I've been a devout Catholic."

The Jew said, "I was walking down the street and found a briefcase
full of money. There were thousands of dollars in there, but it was
Saturday. And we are not allowed to do any financial business on
out Sabbath. So I prayed to God for help. And suddently for fifty
feet around me, it was Tuesday."



A lawyer came for advice and said, "Rabbi, I raised my son in the
Jewish faith, I sent him to law school, he has raised a fine family.
But now he has come to me and said he wants to by a Christian.
What should I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said the Rabbi. "Last year, my son came
to me and said that he wanted to be a Christian."

"What did you do?" said the lawyer.

"I asked God for His guidance. I explained my problem to Him."

"And what did he say?" said the lawyer.

"He said, 'Funny you should ask . . .' "

 

[soroban]

The Pope had decreed that all Jews will be banned from Rome.
This caused much controversy and it was decided to settle the
matter by a formal debate between the Pope and a member
of the Jewish faith.

No one in the Jewish hierarchy wanted the responsibility of such
a challenge. The task fell to Moishe, a modest cantor in Kansas.

Since Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew,
the debate to be held in sign language.

They were sequestered in a private chamber, seated across
a large table.


The Pope held up his index finger and circled it above his head.
Moise pointed at the floor.

The Pope held up three fingers.
Moishe held up one finger.

The Pope displayed sacramental wine and communion wafers.
Moishe took out an apple.

The Pope threw up his hands and declared himself defeated:
the Jews could stay in Rome.


The cardinals were aghast. .They asked,
"What happened, Your Holiness?"

"I indicated that God was all around us.
. . And he said God is here.
I reminded him of the Holy Trinity.
. . And he said there is one God.
I suggested communion as forgiveness for our sins.
. . And he reminded me of the Original Sin.
He had an answer for everything!
I had to concede."


All the top rabbis gather around Moishe.
"What happened, Cantor?" they asked.

"I'm not sure," said Moishe.
"He said: All of Rome will be rid of Jews.
And I said: We're staying right here.
He said: You have 3 days to get out.
And I gave him the finger."

"Then what happened?" they asked.
"I guess it was time for a snack," said Moishe.
He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

 

[caffeinemachine]

A Christian, a Protestant and a Jew were having lunch with the Pope when suddenly the Pope threw at them a question. He said, "What would you do if a doctor says you just have 6 months to live?".

The Christian replied, "I would sell all my belongings and donate the money to the poor."
"That's very nice of you", the Pope said.

The Protestant said, "I would sell all my belongings and go travel around the world."
"That's okay too.", the Pope remarked distastefully.

The Jew was just sitting silently. The Pope asked, "..and what would you do Mr..."
"I'd see another doctor.", replied the Jew.