What Do You Do If ?

  • Thread starter Zargawee
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In summary, the conversation is about a game where users ask and answer hypothetical questions starting with "What do you do if". The topics of the questions range from being a rock star, to being able to see the future, to living on Mars, and having control over the world. The conversation also includes some jokes and off-topic comments.
  • #526
Originally posted by phoenixthoth what do you do if you're debra messing and you have no ass?
?What do you do if you wake up in a perpendicular universe where your favorite website is suddenly some sort of cyber-billboard?
 
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  • #527
then you can at least feel glad that everything is going all right in "opposite world."

what do you do if someone answers a "what do you do if" question with "?"?
 
  • #528
Originally posted by phoenixthoth
what do you do if someone answers a "what do you do if" question with "?"?

What an amazing coincidence; this just happened recently. Apparently the preferred course of action is to ignore it and ask another "what do you do if" question. This is clearly the wrong choice as anyone who has spent 5 lifetimes studying What-do-you-do-if-ology can clearly explain to a 2 year-old. Since I haven't spent even 1 lifetime studying this topic, I'll just shrug my shoulders, whistle "Downtown", and move along...

What do you do if you can't whistle?
 
  • #529
You clap your hands and praise the Lord!


What do you do if you don't beleive?
 
  • #530
Originally posted by Andy
What do you do if you don't beleive?
Learn to spell, properly, and keep the Faith!

What do you do if your faith isn't the right one, but you only find that out, on the day before your death?
 
  • #531
i will just say **** life!

what do you do if you know that you will die the next week?
 
  • #532
Originally posted by MSI
what do you do if you know that you will die the next week?
Find out for yourself that sometimes you just have to admit you were wrong, and go on living...

What do you do if you find yourself lost, on an internet comedy page, with no exit, no "stage left", no door, no way out!?? ( YIKES! )
 
  • #533
Press the on off switch of my computer
and watch my computer monitor go black.
(what's a comedy page anyway?!)

What do you do if you find yourself in a rubbish dump with all sorts of rotten stuff?
 
  • #534
Originally posted by physicskid
What do you do if you find yourself in a rubbish dump with all sorts of rotten stuff?
Realize that you are on a "comedy page"!

What do you do if you live in a rubbish dump on the belief that "Ones man's trash is another man's treasure", and you are still waiting for that 'man" to show up??
 
  • #535
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
Realize that you are on a "comedy page"!

What do you do if you live in a rubbish dump on the belief that "Ones man's trash is another man's treasure", and you are still waiting for that 'man" to show up??

I would be out of my mind.

What would you do if there is no garbage(waste)?

-benzun
Think Positive
 
  • #536
Thank God a BILLION times because there would be no more flys sticking to your body persistently!

What do you do if your mom threaten you with a knife to marry a beggar?
 
  • #537
Originally posted by physicskid
What do you do if your mom threaten you with a knife to marry a beggar?
Give yourself up for adoption..

What do you do if people keep asking psychologically un-balanced questions?
 
  • #538
What do you do if people keep asking psychologically un-balanced questions?
Ans: Don't answer them.

What do you do if you woke out and found yourself plunging down a 5km high cliff?
 
  • #539
Originally posted by physicskid
What do you do if you woke out and found yourself plunging down a 5km high cliff?
SpreadEagle and FLY!

What do you do if you find yourself lost on a planet that has little gravity, but the surface is made out of a stick substance that will not allow you to achieve escape velocity, and your food/water/air supplies are running low, in the now failed craft of your voyage there?
 
  • #540
Die quietly with minimal fuss!

What do you do if you where like a fish and when you ****, it was longer than your entire body and you couldn't shake it off?
 
  • #541
Originally posted by Andy
What do you do if you where like a fish and when you ****, it was longer than your entire body and you couldn't shake it off?
Start singing "Me, and my Shadow"!

What do you do if you have gone off quietly, and died, with a minimal fuss?
 
  • #542
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
What do you do if you have gone off quietly, and died, with a minimal fuss?

Come back and haunt with a vengance.

What do you do if you find yourself so utterly bored at 6:26 AM that you not only read, but actually respond to this thread?
 
  • #543
Originally posted by one_raven What do you do if you find yourself so utterly bored at 6:26 AM that you not only read, but actually respond to this thread?
You know, it's funny you should ask that question because once, back before optics were understood as they are today, there was a young man who ws very bored at 6:26 AM and couldn't wait for the sun to fully rise so he could examine the palm of his hand under a magnifying glass. Some think he was about to debunk the whole arena of palm reading, others that he was on the verge of discovering everyone's fingerprints are unique, others thought he was just going to burn himself. A large crowd gathered, impatiently awaiting the results of the experiment. When at last he raised the magnifying glass to his eye and looked through it at his palm, he said: "I spent 20 minutes composing a fascinating and byzantine response to Mr. Robin Parson's last question, but before I could post it, someone jumped in with a bit of fluff they had carelessly tossed off, and now I got nothin'."What do you do if, while you're crawling on all fours toward a gutter or ditch you frequent in your spare time you find an envelope addressed to Mr. Robin Parsons, and, upon holding it up to the sun you can read through the paper to see that it is a request from the CIA that he stop sending them doctored photographs showing the current Prime Minister of Canada peering out of the corner sixth floor window of the Texas School Book Depository holding a Mannlicher Carbine rifle?
 
  • #544
What do you do if, while you're crawling on all fours toward a gutter or ditch you frequent...Mannlicher Carbine rifle?
Blackmail him to cover the hefty fee they charge at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Originally posted by zoobyshoe
You know, it's funny you should ask that question because once, back before optics were understood as they are today, there was a young man who ws very bored at 6:26 AM and couldn't wait for the sun to fully rise so he could examine the palm of his hand under a magnifying glass. Some think he was about to debunk the whole arena of palm reading, others that he was on the verge of discovering everyone's fingerprints are unique, others thought he was just going to burn himself. A large crowd gathered, impatiently awaiting the results of the experiment. When at last he raised the magnifying glass to his eye and looked through it at his palm, he said: "I spent 20 minutes composing a fascinating and byzantine response to Mr. Robin Parson's last question, but before I could post it, someone jumped in with a bit of fluff they had carelessly tossed off, and now I got nothin'."

That would suck.
What do you do if THAT happens?
 
  • #545
Originally posted by one_raven What do you do if THAT happens?
Consider the following course of action a person in that situation might take: he might crawl on all fours toward the closet where he keeps a large store of theatrical costumes, and select his tried and true, historically accurate, Leo Slizzard costume. Having donned it he might then fly to Princeton, N.J., USA, and wander the campus muttering to himself "I must find Professor Einstein and warn him." This would be a very entertaining time killer indeed. Then, when the bored and careless respondent has gone off line, he could then sit and compose a long, creative response, in the hope that someone will respond in kind.

What do you do if, while dressed up as Forest Gump you go out and sit at a bus stop with a box of chocolates, but instead of being joined on the bench by a little old lady you are joined on the bench by Mr. Robin Parsons dressed up as a little old lady?
 
  • #546
Originally posted by the Assitant to the Prime Minister of Canada (HUH?? what??) Zoo-by-shoe-d
What do you do if, while dressed up as Forest Gump you go out and sit at a bus stop with a box of chocolates, but instead of being joined on the bench by a little old lady you are joined on the bench by Mr. Robin Parsons dressed up as a little old lady?
Stop and ask him where did he get that exquisite outfit, and who tailored it to fit sooooooooo well for him! (and NO! you don't get NO chocolate!)

What do you do if you keep writing the Prime Minster of Canada, not only does he never respond, but you see him on television, and you hear him speaking something you wrote to him, presenting it to the press, as if it were his own work!?
 
  • #547
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if you keep writing the Prime Minster of Canada, not only does he never respond, but you see him on television, and you hear him speaking something you wrote to him, presenting it to the press, as if it were his own work!?
What you do is pull your mind together and realize that he seems to be speaking your words because he is you, you are he, the walrus is Paul, and Mr. Robin Parsons is simply one of the many alter egos invented by the Prime Minister during his years of suffering from muliple personality disorder.What do you do if, when crawling on all fours from your tent toward the Prime Minister's palace to take your rightful place as leader of Canada, now that your personality confusion has cleared up, you suddenly remember that the last time you left the palace a few years before, you forgot to unplug your little water heater that you used to make tea in the second floor office?
 
  • #548
Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if, when crawling on all fours from your tent toward the Prime Minister's palace to take your rightful place as leader of Canada, now that your personality confusion has cleared up, you suddenly remember that the last time you left the palace a few years before, you forgot to unplug your little water heater that you used to make tea in the second floor office?
Call my aide, blame them, and have them F-I-R-E-D for it!

What do you do if you cede copyright in a piece of writing entitled "Qualifieing Quantifiable Democray" to the Prime Minster of Canada, this particular piece of writting involves the referendum, (and the calculable math involved in that) soon to be held in Quebec as to cede it from the rest of Canada, is now before the Supreme Court of Canada, as they decide the legalities of the proposed referendum, your words are holding to the logic of mathematics as it pertains to the outcome of referendum voting, the piece makes it certain and clear that the operative need is for a "Clear Majority", (based upon proper mathematical accounting of persons voting) and, after the Court rules, all you hear in the news, for days, weeks, months on end are your words being repeated, over, and over again, "Clear Majority" "Clear Majority" "Clear Majority" "Clear Majority" "Clear Majority", what do you do?

P.S. the names have not been changed, as to protect the innocent!
 
  • #549
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if you cede copyright in a piece of writing entitled "Qualifieing Quantifiable Democray" to the Prime Minster of Canada, this particular piece of writting involves the referendum, (and the calculable math involved in that) soon to be held in Quebec as to cede it from the rest of Canada, is now before the Supreme Court of Canada, as they decide the legalities of the proposed referendum, your words are holding to the logic of mathematics as it pertains to the outcome of referendum voting, the piece makes it certain and clear that the operative need is for a "Clear Majority", (based upon proper mathematical accounting of persons voting) and, after the Court rules, all you hear in the news, for days, weeks, months on end are your words being repeated, over, and over again, "Clear Majority" "Clear Majority" "Clear Majority" "Clear Majority" "Clear Majority", what do you do?

P.S. the names have not been changed, as to protect the innocent!
Clearly you have a major power to put words in people's mouths. Therefore, write an essay containing the line "Send all your money to Mr. Robin Parsons", cede the copywrite, and deliver it to the very same above politicians. Soon the line will be repeated all over Canada.

What do you do if recent solar flares cause a widespread outbreak of bad posture leading the Canadian Government to replace the phrase "Clear Majority" with the phrase "Hunchbacked Majority"?
 
  • #550
Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if recent solar flares cause a widespread outbreak of bad posture leading the Canadian Government to replace the phrase "Clear Majority" with the phrase "Hunchbacked Majority"?
Hope that this 'policy' winds up having the same effect as their past policy efforts at getting all Canadians to paint their cars Pink! (so that they could tell everyone that they all lived in a Pink Carnation)

What do you do if you find yourself following zoobyshoe around, for a day in his life, and you find out that he is actually the Assitant Undersecretary to the "Chief of Statistical Infloormation" at the bureau of "Past/Present/Futur Floors" in Romania?
 
  • #551
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if you find yourself following zoobyshoe around, for a day in his life, and you find out that he is actually the Assitant Undersecretary to the "Chief of Statistical Infloormation" at the bureau of "Past/Present/Futur Floors" in Romania?
It would become vital to kidnap him and subject him to sodium pentathol interrogation given the importance of the state of Romanian floors, and indeed all horizontal planes in Romania, to the continued well being of humanity.

What do you do if, while bringing a truckload of refuse to the local landfill, you are waiting in line and the man in the truck behind you gets out of his vehicle, startles you by rapping on your window, and says "Did you know you have President Bush in the back of your truck?"
 
  • #552
Originally posted by zoobyshoe
What do you do if, while bringing a truckload of refuse to the local landfill, you are waiting in line and the man in the truck behind you gets out of his vehicle, startles you by rapping on your window, and says "Did you know you have President Bush in the back of your truck?"
Thats Jerry! I know him, Ya, that's exactly what he said to me last week, he's such a joker, he had actually placed some sort of "carcass" looking thing, that really did resemble your 'Prez' slightly, (he musta done a pretty good job come to think of it, it really did look a bit like that guy on TV) but he was a rollin on the floor laughing his buttocks off as he saw me standing at the back of my truck looking in, so I knews he was "just a joking" so I shot that 'gimic' into the crusher, and watched it squish that pile of rubbish into the smallest little thing you ever did see...Humm, come to think of it, anyone seen President Bush around...lately?

What do you do if Oooops, it really was your President in the back of my trash truck, and your the one who is found to have placed his dead carcass there!? What do you do??
 
  • #553
you praise allah that while you're in an unfortunate situation at least you're not in a worse situation.

what do you do if you're in a worse situation?
 
  • #554
Originally posted by phoenixthoth
what do you do if you're in a worse situation?
Recall how much better everything was in "The Good old days"

What do you do if your an amnesiac, and cannot remember "The good old days"??
 
  • #555
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons
Recall how much better everything was in "The Good old days"

What do you do if your an amnesiac, and cannot remember "The good old days"??

Sit around and do nothing, eventually you'll also forget that you're in a worse situation.

What do you do you're being given a wedgie and a noogie at the same time?
 
  • #556
i would get medevial on their ass with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch.

what do you do if instead of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch, you just have a pair of pliers?
 
  • #557
Originally posted by phoenixthoth what do you do if instead of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch, you just have a pair of pliers?
I spent the day on the phone calling people for advice about this problem: two auto mechanics, three machinists, five welders, and one professor of medieval history. They're thinking it over. In the meantime grab the person by the nose with the pliers and hold them until this issue is resolved.What do you do if, as a member of an FBI swat team, you burst into Phoenixthoth's garage to find him whipping up a batch of C4, only to have him throw his hands up in surrender saying "I wasn't going to use it for evil! I wasn't going to use it for evil!"?
 
  • #558
that would be a particularly interesting "what if" for me since i am phoenixthoth. i'd probably wonder if the other person was a long lost twin with the same name or perhaps one of us has crossed the barrier that separates universes. i'd shoot him in the skull and let God sort him out. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! then i'd use the C4 for evil purposes.

what do you do if when you're in a similar situation and after killing your doppleganger, are about use his explosives, and another version of you working for the fbi shows up? would you get the hint or would you (meaning the new one from the fbi) continue this cycle of violence?
 
  • #559
Originally posted by phoenixthoth
what do you do if when you're in a similar situation and after killing your doppleganger, are about use his explosives, and another version of you working for the fbi shows up? would you get the hint or would you (meaning the new one from the fbi) continue this cycle of violence?
Both at the same time = End of Story!

What do you do if, the stories over?
 
  • #560
Originally posted by Mr. Robin Parsons What do you do if, the stories over?
This would be a good opportunity to wash all the floors n Romania.What do you do if a singer of sad songs with a hurdy gurdy and a monkey with a pegleg, comes down your street one day, coasting along in his autogiro, parks outside your house, and knocks on the door asking if you have any spare diesel fuel?
 

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