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Pun Thread

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
An explanation on this please
Dave wanted to become rich, but genie instead changed his name to Rich.

Paddy and Murphy are on a cruise ship late one night.
Paddy says to Murphy ‘Boy, it's awfully quiet tonight.’
Murphy replies ‘They're all probably watching the band.’
Paddy says ‘Band? There's no band on tonight.’
Murphy, stunned, replies ‘But I swear someone said a band on ship.’

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel Neccassary-on-a-bike.

I don't always tell dad jokes.
But when I do, he laughs.
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

I've been sending "get well soon" cards to my friends who can't pay their water bill.

Have you heard the rumor going around about butter? Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

Q: What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
A: Aye matey.

Q: Which guns don't kill animals?
A: Vegans.
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15. In St. Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95. In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can buy two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
Person 1: "Have you heard about Orion's belt? It's a big waist of space".
Person 2: "Terrible joke. Only three stars".

\(\displaystyle \frac{\text{NaCl}}{\text{NaOH}}\)
The base is under a salt.

No matter how nice your kids are, German children are kinder.

Q: Why are variables $i$ and $j$ a good source of information?
A: They are always in the loop.
 

Wilmer

In Memoriam
Mar 19, 2012
376
Name of Irishman bouncing off the walls : Rick O'Shea !

Halloween top dessert: Booooberry pie and I scream !!
 

MarkFL

Administrator
Staff member
Feb 24, 2012
13,775
Name of Irishman bouncing off the walls : Rick O'Shea !
I once actually knew a man with that name, but I called him "Geddy" because of his striking resemblance to Geddy Lee. He once said his idea of a 7 course meal is a six-pack and a potato. :)
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
I used to have two kidneys. Then I grew up. Now I have two adult knees.

I have two arms, but I also have forearms.

Why do cows have hoofs instead of paws? Because they lactose.
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
Did you know the first French fries weren't made in France?
They were cooked in Greece.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

Russian high school students have to wade through the huge four-volume novel "Warrant Peas" by Leo Tolstoy.
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
I don't have kids, but I love to tell dad jokes. Does this make me a faux pa?

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it is fully groan.

The other day I and my girlfriend watched three movies back to back. It's a good thing I was the one facing the TV.
 

Wilmer

In Memoriam
Mar 19, 2012
376
Eileen has one leg shorter than the other.

Is it ok to park where a sign says "Fine for parking"?
 

Wilmer

In Memoriam
Mar 19, 2012
376
The poor snake didn't have a pit to hiss in !
 

topsquark

Well-known member
MHB Math Helper
Aug 30, 2012
1,135
The poor snake didn't have a pit to hiss in !
You did this one on another forum. I'm still not going to 'Like" you. (Fubar)

-Dan
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
Smoking kills people but cures salmon.

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.

I took part in the sun tanning Olympics.
I just got bronze.

The last two are taken from the Edinburgh festival.
 

Wilmer

In Memoriam
Mar 19, 2012
376
Clock repair shop ad:
"If your clock don't tick, tock to us"

Car rental agency ad:
"It's the lease we can do for you".
 

Olinguito

Well-known member
Apr 22, 2018
251
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart. It was like love meant nothing to her.
Or perhaps it was because you had too many faults?
 

Olinguito

Well-known member
Apr 22, 2018
251
A self-preservation society is a group whose members will do anything to stay alive, even if it kills them.
 

Country Boy

Well-known member
MHB Math Helper
Jan 30, 2018
498
I remember seeing a truck from a sewer service company with the slogan "We're number 1 in the number 2 business"!
 

LCKurtz

New member
Aug 10, 2018
10
The society for the preservation of wooden toilet seats: The Birch John Society.
 

Olinguito

Well-known member
Apr 22, 2018
251
Still water is water. Running water is still water.
 

Wilmer

In Memoriam
Mar 19, 2012
376
We drive on parkways
We park in driveways
 

topsquark

Well-known member
MHB Math Helper
Aug 30, 2012
1,135
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-George Carlin
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent. (See also this.)

I once accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

Can February march?
No, but April may.
 

Wilmer

In Memoriam
Mar 19, 2012
376
From a plumbing ad:
You can't go for a straight flush
If you're sitting on a full house!
 

Wilmer

In Memoriam
Mar 19, 2012
376
Texan rancher:

Me own largest cattle ranch in Texas
Me sell cattle all over country
Me biggest bullshipper in Texas
 

Evgeny.Makarov

Well-known member
MHB Math Scholar
Jan 30, 2012
2,493
Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

Dogs can't operate MRI scanners. But cats can.

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer. (From Tomasz Łakomy's Twitter.)