- #1
CosminaPrisma
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This is Chapter 1, of the Adventures of Benedict and Bacon
was walking across campus late one winter evening and the air was crisp as ever. I looked up at the full moon as it rose into the sky above the 6 story library. As I stood in the campus courtyard, I looked up at all the stars in the sky and wondered...if there is intelligent life out there...will their minds work like ours? Will Paris Hilton irritate them as much as she does Earthlings? I continued on with my musings, walking and contemplating...wandering...(by:CosminaPrisma) Then I had a heartattack. It was not very pleasant. I continued on my way.(by:MK)
Paris Hilton walked by and noticed that MK was not quite dead, though he should be. She gave him last rites and sprinkled him with a mist of her latest noxious perfume. He fell to the earth, fell underneath the tires of her limo, and in an apathetic crush of bone and flesh, she (and he) was gone.
But suddenly, Pope Benedict appeared, resplendent in his robe of over easy eggs and cheese, and he...(By:Math is hard)longed for hollandaise sauce to complete the platter, but there was none to be found here on this starlit campus. Looking left, and looking right, some faint phantom of a monolog about the heartache of recalling lost loves swam before his eyes, but suddenly vanished. Shaking his head to clear the papal brain, he strode forward, seeking something to bless.(by:Zoobyshoe)...Galaxy33... (by:Galaxy33 )
"hmmmm...Galaxy 33...", he thought. Then, flailing off his robes, he shouted, "That's where I'll find my hollandaise sauce! Pope-Mobile shields up! Warp factor 2. Cardinal Bacon! Set course for Saucion 5!"
"But, Captain, we are forbidden to go to Saucion 5."
"Why not?" he asked innocently.(by:Math is Hard)
"Because, Holy Father," said the porcine priest, "YOU forbade it! Saucion 5 is not mentioned in scripture, and therefore does not exist. To acknowledge it exists is heretical. You said so."(Bt:Zoobyshoe)
Pope Benedict, disappointed but not entirely deterred from his quest for a breakfast companion, muttered, "Fine then, what about a nice English muffin?"(by:moonbear)
Cardinal Bacon brought the Pope a yummy toasted English muffin, but he pressed on with the review of the doctrines.
"Oh, you're sure I said that?" the Pope muttered shyly, pouring over his journal ,"ok, yeah, you're right. I did say that. Shoot! Scratch Saucion 5."
Cardinal Bacon was embarrassed, having called the Pope on such a critical issue, and he fought back the tears. He bit his lip hard. It broke off. It rolled over in his meaty mouth, and tasted like a lil' smokey cocktail link.
"To Saucion 4!" cried the Pope, "Prepare my waterproof papal gown, for the inhabitants are...(By:Math is Hard)obsessive-compulsive, and spend 80% of their waking hours in the shower trying to wash off that last, last, last germ."
"Eywou neen we'll see them naked" asked the lipless cardinal, raising a puritanical eyebrow.
"What?" querried the confused pontiff.
"I said eywou neen we'll see them naked?" repeated the cardinal.
"What does 'neen' mean?
"'Neen' neens 'neen'".
"'Neen neens neen'?"
"Yesh"
"Oh," replied his holiness, and tried to look thoughtful, as if he'd just fathomed a deep point of etymology, but deep in his heart, he hadn't a clue.(By: zobby shoe)
"Senze wewoll zee dee inhabitants naked, we could go to Newark, New Jersey instead..." the lipless cardinal said, "At leest dey wear clothes."(By:CosminaPrisma )
"New Jersey, Dear God." The Pope bowed his head in prayer, then looked up suddenly. "We Could just take clothes with us and hand them out to the inhabitants of Saucion 4! It's only a few billion light years away, and it has to be better than going to Newark, right?"
"As hu mish, Holy faver. I npos nif we dimert our eyes untul dey mut on da cluhthes."
"Then Onward, to Saucion 4!"(By:Artman )
The Pope-O-Rocket shifted from impulse to warp as smoothly as an iguana sliding backwards down a palm tree. Soon the man with the tall hat and his amenuesis were shooting toward a distant star so fast that all it took was one commercial break and they were in orbit around Saucion 4.
Looking at the viewscreen, the Pope declared...(By:Zoobyshoe)
"Those look like Heretic warships! Computer! Analyze!"
PIUS, the onboard computer, blinked a silent message: PLEASE WAIT. RECEIVING FAX.
On the view screen, the distant red objects were growing larger and more numerous. Benedict began to sweat.(By:Math Is Hard)
"Oh crap, we forgot the clothes!" the pope declared(by:Artman)
And then he said, "Those red thingys are coming right at the green thingy, and I think we're the green thingy."(by:Artman)
Flying Red Saucers From Saucion 4, Red Alert, Red Alert!(by:CosminaPrisma)
Nooooo! I don't want to die, dang it! Somebody do something fast! Why don't you try to...(By:Galaxy 33)Oh fiddlestix! We can't go to red alert, we don't have time to change the bulb!"(By:Averagesupernova )
"Papal Information Uniting System, cancel fax! Canel, that's an order!" demanded the pope, as the ominous red splotches grew ever closer to the green thingy on the view screen.
After a click and a whir, PIUS responded insistently: PLEASE WAIT. BAPTIZING FAX.
"We-oh dooned, dooned!" lamented Kevin Bacon, er, Cardinal Bacon.
Finally, PIUS ejected the fax letter from its confession slit. The paper slid into the pope's sweaty hands, completely devoid of print and blank, except for...
"A tonato stain?"
"No you idiot, it's a tomato staim!" corrected the Pope.
Meanwhile, the red splotches were converging on the green thingy, getting closer and closer, meatier and saucier. Tomato sauce began to ooze deliciously from the screen, obscuring all else. An ominous voice came booming from all around and nowhere at once:
"Il papa, you fool. I have told you never to return to Saucion 5. You have breached our holy contract!"
The papal pupils dilated, sweat constellating upon his trembling skin. "Saucion 5... PIUS you fool! You've brought us straight into the clutches of the Flying Spaghetti Monster!"(By:hypnagogue)
Kevin, I mean Cardinal Bacon (I liked that, Hyp.) said, "We're noomed, we're noomed!"
"No we're not noom...I mean doomed, Kevin, I mean, Bacon." The Pope, moving quickly, pressed a blue button on the console.
"Mut nid nue do?"
"I activated the Swiss Guard."
Suddenly on the screen in front of them a giant Swiss army knife shot forward from the ship. The scissors popped out and began to clip furiously at the approaching Spagetti strands, but to their horror...(By artman)...they began to be bombarded by those-a spicey-a meat-a-balls.
The Pope sent out a frantic message, "Archbishop Ragu, come in Archbishop Ragu. Immediate assistance required. Do you copy?"(By: moonbear)Ragu's voice cracked from the reciever (fortunately the radio also doesn't follow the laws of physics and the message from billions of light years away came only minutes after the pope's frantic call for help).
"Balls."
"Excuse me?"
"The nope ned 'nalls.'"
"Bacon quiet please. Ragu, we're being meatballed, quit hesitating and initiate B.A.S.IL."(By Artman)
"Sir, you know there's only one tactical maneuver for being meatballed."
"Ragu, then we must do it. We are under fire! Initiate Ballistic Alert Sequence 49, over."
"Are you sure about that, your eminence? Over."
"Don't question my orders! Do it, now! Over."
"Yes sir, I copy that. Initiating B.A.S.IL now. Over."(By moonbear)
Meanwhile, while Bacon and Benedict were trying to avoid a meaty balling, Ragu was speaking quietly over the phone with his 'Aunt' Millie. Something was terribly wrong.(By Artman)
And then, out of nowhere, a bunch of lilac-haired gerontophiliacs came rushing towards the hapless pope.(By:arildno )
Hummm, the Pope thought. How could 'Aunt' Millie have know indeed, when none of this could have happened yet because the red alert bulb hasn't even been repaired yet. Then it came to him, she has been using the Omniscienceviewerscope in the Pope's secret laboratory! What other secrets has she uncovered there, he wondered?(By artman)