Let's hear it for maintenance engineers

[Nereid]

(sent to me by a friend; guess from where):
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as 'squarwks,' submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = the problem logged by the pilot
S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: IFF inoperative
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Mouse in cockpit
S: Cat installed.

(stay tuned)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I read this on a Southwest Airlines website. Not maintenance but it is an airlines story anyway.

A pilot had made a particularly hard landing one night for whatever reason. As he tells the story [approximately], a landing that bad usually generates a few gripes, maybe even a serious complaint, but surely a lot of kidding. As everyone exits the aircraft, he addresses the passengers and waits for his medicine. No one says a thing about the landing; just "thanks", "goodbye", that sort of thing. When he thinks everyone has gotten off, he sees that a little old lady with a walker has waited to get off last. As she exits she approaches the captain and says "excuse me sir, I was just wondering", yes says the pilot: "Did we land or were we shot down?".

 

[Njorl]

Just to give pilots their due:

I remember seeing a video of a jumbo jet landing. The unusual part was that the nose landing gear was stuck and could not deploy. The tower debated foaming the runway, and decided against it. The passengers braced for a rough landing, several fire engines were on the scene and ready, as were paramedics. The plane came down and landed on 2 wheels like it was designed to land that way. It rolled almost to a complete stop. Then the nose settled with a gentle thunk. I hope they gave that pilot a big bonus.

Njorl

 

[Nereid]

(continued) ...

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

 

[Tyro]

LOL. I was on a flight from Sydney to Adelaide during a holiday to Australia some time ago, and the flight attendant over the PA went something like: "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard the Qantas flight from Sydney to Perth."

At which point, everyone started looking around and panicking. The aircraft was taxiing already, so it would be kinda late to decide you're on the wrong plane

Then she went on: "Oh right. My mistake, sorry ladies and gentlemen. The flight is going from Sydney to Adelaide."

 

[Monique]

http://www.click-smilies.de/sammlung0903/aetsch/cheeky-smiley-036.gif very funny :)

I don't have any funny stories, but I do know that I will avoid a layover at NY or landing at small runways since I had some armwrest-clenching experiences :) luckily never had heavy turbulence or airpockets..

 

[Tsu]

Thanks for the good cry, Nereid.
I was flying from Honolulu to Portland earlier this year when my seatmate turned to me and struck up a LOVELY conversation with the question "So, do you LIVE in Saigon?". Happily he couldn't contain his laughter at the look of panic on my face, so I didn't have to receive CPR (I've heard it kind of hurts).

 

[GENIERE]

In the 1970’s, I made many business trips to Concord, CA. If time was a factor, I flew from San Francisco Airport to Concord Airport on a charter, small size aircraft.It was possible to chat with the pilot.

I have a weird sense of humor, but I found my match during this conversation with the pilot:

Why do you fly north up the peninsula and make a right turn at the Bay Bridge, instead of cutting the corner?
- I don’t want to get lost so I follow the highway.
Is that why you fly so low?
- I’m a little near-sighted, and I lost my glasses.
What do you do at night?
- I follow the headlights.
Why don’t you follow the taillights?
- I do when I’m coming back.
What if there’s no traffic?
- I circle around and hope someone gets on the highway.
Couldn’t you run out of gas?
- Yep!
Then What?
- If I’m low on fuel, I call my mother and ask her to drive on the highway.
She doesn’t Mind?
- No, but sometimes she gets lost.
What do you do then?
- I call my father, but I don’t like to because we don’t get along.
Why don’t you get along?
- He thinks I should get a different job.
Oh.
- Dammit! I really shouldn't talk to you.
Why?
- I got to call my mother.